Smoker's journey: part 3

Over the last few weeks, Leticia, a childhood friend’s sister has been guest blogging about how her journey in smoking opened the door to a series of really bad life choices.  These blogs are off topic for us normally, so please be warned that the content is NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN.  I am allowing my 13-year-old son to read  these blogs so we can discuss the topics.  So far, her story has scared the living daylights out of him.  He saw how easy it was to take one step at a time into a downward spiral.  I did not realize this was going on and am reading these posts along with you and I have to say, I’m shocked quite honestly.  Which really made me realize how much I did not pay attention in my youth.

In case you missed them, here are the first two parts of Leticia’s story:
Smoker’s Journey Part I
Smoker’s Journey Part II
from Leticia…
In this next segment of my story it will take a turn into a hard life of destruction.  A life I had to go to therapy for years to cope with to handle the damage of my life I had to face.   I warn you this story is not for children!  And I wish this life on no one ever!  It was truly a hell!
So to continue on in this segment, you need to understand something about me before I continue.  What I am about to explain to you, the reader, is very important for you to pay attention to… because this is going to play a crucial and vital role in the journey of my life and it wont be till the end you see that you will understand why?   So… ok, when I was five years old I was on the front porch listening to my two sisters talking … they mentioned something about “God” .  Well I turned to my eldest sister and I remember asking her “what is God?”  She began to describe to me what God was, and when she did , all I can remember is that the funniest thing happened to me…honestly!  I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and joy and peace truly filled my heart and made me feel like this light bulb just turned on in my head!  I remember saying to her “I am going to serve God one day!”  Now when I got a little older and being raised in a Catholic upbringing I had to go to bible study classes.  One day when I was in bible class I remember the nun asked me to read Leviticus 26:1 from the bible.  The scripture said ” Thou shall not worship or have any graven images before me nor to bow down to worship here on earth nor in heaven.”  Well when I read that, the nun was in front of me and behind her was a great big cross with the image of Jesus.  It was funny how as a young girl the spirit in me felt so convicted and I said to her ” why does the church have that cross of a graven image of Jesus on it when we just read we are not supposed to do that?”  She could not give me an answer!  For me at that moment, that is when I knew I would search the truth of God! This was my mission in life and I knew it!
Well now to get back to the story where I left off.  So I had discovered my husband and friends were doing meth Right?
Well I did not only discover they were doing meth, but that the friend of my husband who I thought was from his work was actually a big drug dealer…shocker!  When I found this out, I also found out in the process that my husband was stealing huge barrels of chemicals from the plant he worked at, the kind of chemicals they were using to make these drugs. Well let me tell you …I was very upset and even sick to my stomach to find out that this deception of my husband was coming to light ! And he was in dealings with this man who happened to be in a big drug ring!  You would think that I was already doing weed why was I tripping so hard …right?  Well I told my husband to stop but he would not and I found my self questioning my person my values and my marriage!  I got real sick!  I knew I was really not this person deep down.  I felt disgusted with myself!  How did I ever let my dignity go to the crapper?  I was contemplating leaving my husband and divorcing him.  So I thought about it and thought about it!  I remembered for some reason my vows to God and that seemed so important to me because it was a promise I made to God “for the better or worse.”  I guess you ask what difference does it make now to care about that?  About God when it was evident I didn’t care because I was doing drugs anyway at least weed, right?  Well I guess I always cared about God and I think that since I felt I had crapped on my life and didn’t follow my calling that was the only way I could hold on to a part of my love for God!

Ok.. this part is now making me cry!  So now I am going to stay with him and get pressured from him not worry and it was alright.  We were making good money and living a good life.  When I think now,  he just did not want me to rebel and snitch on him or ruin things for him I guess?   So I fell into the trap!  I started doing the drugs also!  Ok this is getting harder for me to write now… I am really having a hard time remembering this.   Now I fell into depression and a sadness. When I would get a chance I would try to read the word of God, but not often cause I was mostly partying and getting high.  But when I did, I would cry and hate myself for hurting God, myself, my mother and family! I would remember my mother’s voice would say ” I never want to find out my kids ever got in trouble with the police in your live’s, it would kill me!”  Remembering that killed me that day!  Because I knew I could never take all these mistakes back  So I just let my self drown in drugs and a life of ruin.  I convinced myself to just have fun doing it… what the hell!  This is where the stress in my life and smoking became partners and lovers of mine even more and we never left each other ever through the bad times. The cigarettes were my most faithful friend to me above all else more than my own self!  Now after all this I later find out my husband cheated on me! And when I found out who it was it just topped it all!  Remember this is just the start of my down fall!  Now I feel like it is almost if I have something evil around me just taking me apart little by little,  as if I had the devil himself right there beside me laughing and saying “you are so stupid, I will just put a little temptation in front of you and you cave stupid! Now the rest will be easy!”