All of this debate about students being denied their rights to cupcakes is getting to the point of embarrassment. Watching grown adults engaging in serious conversation over children not being able to celebrate their birthday at school with a cupcake versus endangering a child’s life is beyond me. BUT, it occurred to me the other day, “has anyone asked the kids what they want?” Does the birthday boy or girl really want that cupcake?
Sunbutter Sandwich–no peanut here!
From my past experience, the answer is NO! I have two examples to share; the first one took place when my son was in preschool. The school asked for no peanut butter in lunches, but if families wanted to they could. Everyone complied except for one parent, who was not going to deny her daughter peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She claimed that her child would otherwise starve since that is all the child would eat. After about four days the parent shared with me that she doesn’t understand why her child won’t eat lunch at school anymore? Packed lunches were coming home untouched. I knew why. When she stopped packing peanut butter, her daughter starting each lunch again. I wonder if the mom ever understood her child’s beautiful empathy?
My next example took place several years later when my son was in sixth grade. His class had won a party and teacher did not like food parties nor did she want to deal with allergy issues. She asked me to help her brainstorm. We decided to host a carnival party with silly games and prizes instead. We asked parents to donate any left overs they had from birthday parties. Let’s face it, we all buy those prizes in packs of 12 whether we have 12 or 8 kids attending. The teacher was overwhelmed with donations–including sharks teeth– and the kids decided it was the best party they had “EVER” at school.
Friday’s Food For Thought: is the real issue that the cupcakes are tools for the parents to meet some sort of unseen need or does that birthday child truly want a cupcake instead of games or prizes in their honor?
One of the hardest things I find about managing both life threatening food allergies and asthma is talking to others. I hate to be the one that might be perceived as demanding, pushing or for asking too much. What I now know, fourteen years later, is that honest, clear information presented with kindness works!..
In my experience, the kids tend to steer clear of the allergy offenders even if they DON’T have an allergy AND they tend to PREFER healthier options at class parties where both sweets and healthy choices are offered. Part of that is due to the focus on making healthier choices in general, and some of it is due to the fact that kids do have a sense of fairness and they want all their friends included despite what they might initially want. And any kid would rather have games than food, hands down. They will eat the veggies or safe options if they can play a game, too, and they won’t miss the cupcakes or sugar if they are having fun.
Though some kids DO sincerely want the cupcakes/sweets, when told why they can’t, they generally understand and are eager to find a treat or other option that works for all. It is indeed more the parents’ lack of being able or willing to explain the truth in a way that doesn’t make the child feel like they are getting less. When you let the child lead the home and never tell them no, you are training them that their wants trump anything, including the needs of others. This fact alone, in my opinion, is why we have parents whining about peanut butter and jelly – they simply do not want to face the wrath of a child they have allowed to be a spoiled brat and not think of others before themselves. Yes, some parents feel like their kid would be denied a “right” and don’t care what the child really wants because, darn it all, their kid WILL have that cupcake because they NEED it for some reason they can’t even explain other than, “Well, because I did, so obviously they should, too!” as well.
All in all, I think the decision is honestly a personal heart issue. You will never be able to convince someone with entitlement issues that the cupcake is not an end all. They will always say they have a right, and it means more than your need. People like you and I will never understand this because we can’t. We’re not wired this way. It will always make us sad, and we will not give up hope that they will change their minds eventually, and I pray that they will. All we can do is help educate, continue to speak out, and pray and hope they change. Our logic is not their logic, and their opinion is normally only changed by personal tragedy, and I pray that it doesn’t come to that either.
Well written post, Caroline. I agree with you that if the kids were asked what they truly wanted that most of the fight could be avoided, but not all of it. I will keep hoping that the fight ends eventually, and before we see more deaths due to “rights” of others trumping the needs of others.
Julie,
Thanks for joining the conversation! I always enjoy your thoughts and when you send over ideas to discuss.I really want to start polling kids!
I would definitely be interested in those results! I think it would surprise a lot of people.
So agree! The kids are the first to speak up. I’d love to see a poll as well. The ‘cupcake parents’ could learn a thing or two about empathy from the kids.
Heather,
I need to look into how to create a poll, but I guess I would need parents to ask their children. I wonder if we would get honest answers.
My class celebrates Star Student in a Kindergarten classroom. Last week’s Star Student brought in sunglasses and paddle ball sets. The kids absolutely LOVED being able to make the choice of getting a pair of sunglasses or a paddle ball set. Not one kid noticed that there was no food being offered to them and they all went home happy with their new toy. Fun without food is do-able, just a different way of thinking compared to when we were growing up. BEST PART ON FRIDAY WAS THAT NO ONE WAS EXCLUDED OR MADE TO FEEL DIFFERENT!
Linda,
What a great idea! I am going to borrow it! I just don’t understand how people would not embrace a party that includes everyone and is different. Given the cost of food these days, I think the toys are cheaper to be honest.