I wish I had written this letter in the fall, when school started. As a teacher, you are the next most important and influential person in my child’s life. As the school year ends, cards and gifts will flow to you with words of gratitude and how teachers change the world one child at a time. I appreciate your endless hours, thankless moments where you are up until midnight preparing for the next day. I am grateful for your ongoing education and creativity in finding ways to make old subjects sound new and fresh. For these things, I am forever grateful. Teachers are some of the most important people who walk this planet. Since you are so very important in my child’s life, I should have explained that when you exclude my child with life threatening food allergies during activities and celebrations, the impact goes far beyond the blurry eyes trying to hide tears. My child’s heart breaks.
My child interprets the exclusion and inconvenience of her health issue as a loud and clear rejection. You are a hero. You bring new adventures, ideas and concepts. Students leave your classroom packed with knowledge and excitement for the next year. My child also leaves feeling deflated and her admiration for you is so strong, she would never tell you how hurtful and painful the year was. Let me explain what exclusion has meant to my family over the years:
How to EXCLUDE a student with life-threatening food allergies
- Mention in class that due to food allergies we CAN NOT eat xxx. Food allergic students can feel shame when their disease is holding back their class from something special. Wouldn’t you feel shame too that your existence puts a damper on those around you?
- Send out a flyer or email about a party and omit friendly reminders of the allergens in the classroom. My child feels that you don’t care enough about their health to ask for policy to be honored and remembered.
- Do not speak directly to the food allergic student regarding food-related celebrations. Simply plan the treat focused party and wait for the parents or child to speak up. Again, this sends the message of you don’t care.
- Segregate the student during celebrations to keep them separated from allergens. My son asked once about the difference between the black and white segregation and food allergies. Segregated by disease? Maybe?
- Consume a special treat in front of my child without making a solid attempt to provide something that would work for all the students in the classroom.
I know managing food allergies in every classroom is not simple with an easy one size fits all solution. I realize there are kids with autism, diabetes and religious beliefs that need to be addressed. This problem is perplexing to all of us, hence, why we are desperate for a cure. As the disease grows, so do the problems. Until a cure is found, we are all affected. I should have asked and helped you to better understand inclusion and what it means to my child. This is my fault and I take responsibility. I don’t expect you to understand the in’s and out’s chronic illness and the effects.
How to INCLUDE a student with life-threatening food allergies
- Teach your class about life-threatening food allergies in the beginning of the year. Use this situation as a time to teach compassion, diversity and problem solving. No shaming–just be matter of fact.
- Communicate regarding food-related celebrations and activities by reminding parents and students of the allergies managed within the classroom. During special events, protocol seems to slip away and everyone forgets the guidelines.
- Speak to your food allergic student (if age appropriate) or parent prior to an event and work out a solution. For example, before the ice cream party is announced, discuss a Popsicle party or some other type of celebration. Bubble and paper airplane parties are very popular these days–and they don’t involve food.
- Enjoy allergen-safe foods together. You have no idea of how many times my child has sat, broken hearted at my kitchen table detailing how everyone in the class enjoyed something special and they did not have the same experience. It especially hurts when the other kids tell my child how great the treat is and too bad for my child. They wish you had a treat or activity that included the whole community to enjoy together.
As you can see, you are very special, loved and important in my child’s life, but I failed to teach you how important you are and when you exclude, my child’s heart and spirit breaks. Next year, I promise to have this conversation with you before school starts. It only takes a few moments to include a child by typing an extra sentence or re-phrasing a word and tapping into your intelligence to find great solutions. Thank you again for your endless hours of unsung work and for being special in my child’s life.
Next year, together, we’ll do this right.
Sincerely,
A mother of a child who adores you
One of the hardest things I find about managing both life threatening food allergies and asthma is talking to others. I hate to be the one that might be perceived as demanding, pushing or for asking too much. What I now know, fourteen years later, is that honest, clear information presented with kindness works!..
Oh Caroline! I read this letter holding my breath and unable to move. While reading this, I re-lived the devastating experiences during elementary school years that still make my heart race, my mouth dry, my tears flow forward. This shame was our daughter’s. This “inconvenience” was our family’s. This exclusion was how our school managed food allergies.
You so eloquently described the emotional toll food allergies (can) take on our children and our families, something very difficult to communicate to schools, friends, families, sports coaches. This…This will be our print out to share with everyone.
You are amazing!
Dana,
Thank you for using the word eloquent. Bull in a china shop is what my father calls me.
I will share with him this new word.
I am so sad this is true for you too. It really came to a head for me yesterday. I need to change my game.
I am very pleased to hear this post migut help others too. YOU Made My day.
Love, love, LOVE this!!! I would not change any single word (hugs to you and your child!)
Tracy,
Thank you very much! I am on a new approach for next year!
My heart breaks for your student and all of the others that this happens to Caroline and I must say, this is SO well written!!
Alisa,
The message came in loud and clear yesterday that I need to change my approach and lay it out there–life and it’s heart breaks for the teachers, who my children admire so dearly. I hope I get to post next year that the new method is working well.
Crying over here. So so accurate. I am bringing this to my daughter’s teacher next year at our beginning of school meeting when we discuss the essentials. This is what I have not verbalized and it would have been so helpful. Going to share on FB too. Thank you Caroline.
Kelly,
Thanks for sharing. I really believe the teachers don’t realize that they are heros and the exclusion is out of control. I have a friend in CA, who last year had a bad experience when the teacher flat out refused to update an email with reminder of her first grader’s egg allergy. Even after several other parents in the classroom asked the teacher to revise the email and to request no egg at their party. The emotional damage on that child was heart breaking.
Soldier on right?
This is excellent and a huge encouragement to me. Thank you! I will be using it as we prepare for the new school year, buildings and teachers for both of our sons.
One of the most painful things for me as a mother (hopefully not as much so for our sons), is being treated like the town pariah for the last 6 years. Initially (during our beginning of the year meeting), staff will to our faces appear to cooperate and respect the protocols and allergy plans we have in place. As the year goes on, however, we end up sensing (via direct communication, emails, word of mouth, etc.) much resentment and resistance. It’s very, very hard.
I go out of my way to be courteous and make things as seamless as possible for all parties. However, each time a situation comes up and needs to be addressed as it pertains to food allergies, I feel as though we are completely putting staff (or other students/parents) out or forcing staff to “do us a favor”. One sentence that would make a world of difference to us: “We/I will do everything we/I can to keep your child safe and included while at school.” I’ve only heard a phrase similar to this one time 3 years ago. It really, really helped me to trust that teacher and allowed more open communication.
One of my sons’ first projects this year was to brainstorm a “5th grade manifesto” with all of his classmates for the year. One of their goals was to “not exclude anyone”. This is ironic to me. We want to teach about tolerance and inclusion…however, it doesn’t seem to apply to those with food allergies. We aren’t looking for “special treatment”. We just want our son to be safe and included while he’s at school. So he can enjoy the same things and events and curriculum/projects as his peers.
You may not want to ask me about how our son was repeatedly told by staff that he “need not apply” for safety patrol because he has food allergies. We were informed that it’s just not safe for him to participate, despite my many attempts to suggest ways to make it safe, all year long. Certificates honoring students who served and experienced this rite-of-passage leadership opportunity were passed out today. 🙁
CJ,
Thank you for commenting. I remember your facebook posts about the being told not to apply for safety patrol. I also remembering feeling awful for your family and being mad. I understand that schools want to keep our children safe and I am very grateful, but there are still solutions out there and inclusion does not always mean equal, but it does mean being part of the community. Gina Mennett Lee’s food allergy parent group gives out awards to teachers who are doing a good job with managing food allergies. I think her idea is brilliant!
Hang in there CJ, you’re a good mom, fighting the right fight.
Beautiful Caroline! I will share, share, share! Thank you!
Gina,
I meant to email you today to ask your thoughts, but I forgot my son had early release and you know how the rest of the story goes. Your support means the world to me and thank you.
Powerful. Thank you!
Thank you!!! I’m so happy to hear that!
Perfect timing for me today as I sent my son off to an end-of-the-year celebration in which he will be unable to participate in the pizza and salad buffet. When we called the venue, they said, “sorry, he should bring his own food”. In a letter to his teachers this week, I explained that feeling different feels awful for many teens and carrying around a lunch bag and life-saving meds when no one else is carrying anything makes the celebration feel, well, not so celebratory. I think I was heard and I believe the teachers will be aware and make things easier today.
I’ll know later this afternoon when I hear all about “the celebration”… Thank you for taking the time to put in words what many of us are feeling. Beautifully written!
Joanne,
Please share about how the celebration turns out. My son, for the first time, at age 15 was able to order pizza and a drink up at our local ski resort this winter. It was like he hit the lottery. He had me call the allergist to share how happy he was! I think since our children are good kids and try to make it work, they attempt to actually shield us from their sadness. To be honest, my daughter cried last night when she saw my post. She didn’t even read it yet. My son kept hovering and hasn’t commented yet. I think their feelings run much deeper than I ever realized.
Your text is so powerful and touching. Thank you so much. I’ve been “fighting” for my children for 11 years now, and I find it really hard to be strong at all times. How many times have I been frustrated because the teacher forgot to tell me there was something special that day. How many times have I seen both my children cry because it wasn’t fair. And I must admit, I have cried with them a few times, not knowing what else to do, being tired. We’ve always tried to see the positive aspects in those situations. Once, I heard my daughter say: “You know mommy, I’m more lucky than the other children. They get a candy, eat it and it’s over. I, on the other hand, get an eraser, a pencil or a notebook and it lasts for a few months.” That’s when I understood my efforts to see life on the bright side had a positive impact on them.
Thank you again for that marvelous text.
Nathalie,
Thank you for your kind words. Your daughter sounds pretty spectacular and very wise. She is right, the non-food treats live on! I think we’ve all cried along side our children. I want my kids to be strong and deal with the not-so-pretty side of life, but we all have our limits. Positive attitude is what brings our children through the rough waters. Your kids are lucky to have a mom who is teaching them these valuable and important lessons.
This letter is so true,. I have a 9 year old daughter who is severely allergic to peanuts. I feel like I have to fight for her safety all the time. I hope its ok but I would love to use your letter for my daughters teachers next year. My daughter tells me all the time that she hates that she has this allergy and can’t sit by her friends at lunch. The doctor told her the next attach from peanuts could kill her. She is terrified of this and I wish I could find a cure…
Susan,
Please use this letter as your talking point or revise it to fit your needs! We are all here to support each. In the beginning I was okay with not having a cure now I’ll I can do is wish for one! Let’s hope a cure or a good therapy is getting closer!
Have a wonderful weekend.
I am a public school teacher and I have a 2 year old with more than 1 food allergy. This literally made me sob. As a teacher it is so enlightening, and as a mother is makes my heart hurt for those days approaching. My 2 year old already can sense she is different but luckily her daycare has been quite inclusive for her.. Thank you so much for another perspective on this.
Cyrs,
Thank you for your comments and I’m happy you like this letter. This is really been eye opening and even though we’ve been dealing with food allergies for almost 14 years, everyday is new. As a teacher, I hope you realize how important you are…food allergies or not. I hope your child’s situation will stay inclusive..maybe you are the next wave?
Very beautiful & powerful! Thank you for expressing this so eloquently. My DD’s teacher planned a surprise ice cream party & brought in unsafe ice cream & all of the toppings without telling me in advance. It could have been made inclusive & safe if the teacher had emailed me and asked. My daughter was so hurt and is convinced that her teacher doesn’t like her.
This has not been my experience. Protocols may not always be followed to perfection, but my child has never been made to feel bad or excluded for her allergy. So we are lucky, I guess…or are we?
We spend our energy teaching our child how absolutely wonderful she is and everything about her, including her allergy is as it should be, or it simply wouldn’t be. It’s her path first and therefore our path second to deal with the issue surrounding her allergy.
In life, we are born with or handed things that made be viewed as struggles, but they are actually there to serve us, only we don’t know it yet, until we do. Children should not be sheltered from this reality, but taught to embrace all that is as it is.
Our child is not made to feel special because of her allergy and she is encouraged to take as much or more responsibility for her safety as we would expect others to.
Parents of children with food allergies have to accept that they are a minority, it will be a struggle and scary at times but it’s a path that has been set forth for a REASON. Remember, always we are not the ONE running this show 🙂 the ONE who is know more, has the bigger picture and this is where faith needs to come into play, learn to rest in this.
Instead of focusing on what is wrong, work with faculty, and school board authorities to develop and enforce protocol. It is only at this level that change and adherence to safety can really be controlled and implemented from a policy perspective.
Parents will do more harm to the child by pointing out the injustice of the school and /or teachers, than anything the child may be experiencing in the class room in most cases.
In most cases, and in these situations it is the parents who are over sensitive to their child’s experiences, not the child. DAMAGE ALERT!
More effort needs to be spent teaching the child to love themselves, and accept themselves and INCLUDE themselves. For if they can achieve this, then exclusion could never exists for them, NO MATTER WHEN OR WHERE THEY ARE EXCLUDED.
This approach is where the power IS. It’s always when we work with ourselves and teach our children to work with our/ their own thoughts, ideas and beliefs about anything.
Exclusion can only happen if WE permit it ( in our minds). Someone can say your not included in this. I or my child can then decide wether or not we agree. If we do, then we are excluded, if we don’t then we are not. Exclusion and inclusion exists on the level of the mind, not out there some where in a class room eating peanut butter cups or not.
If a teacher stands up in front of the class and says we can’t have delicious peanut butter cups for our Halloween party because little Johnny is allergic…..what does she mean? She means exactly what she said. No one can exclude me or my child unless I consent, because my child watches my reaction.
Where it becomes a problem, is when we ( THE PARENTS) begin to start to believe our thoughts that the teacher is trying to isolate our little Johnny, the teacher is not being sensitive to his unique situation……..we cannot know any of this to be true…it’s simply our story. Then, we, the parents, transfer both the emotions and thoughts ( just our story) to our child and there is where we find the real injustice.
We need to Watch carefully what we are believing, for we then teach our children to do the same. We need to discern our thoughts, we do not have to believe all or any of them for that matter….they are just thoughts.
Parents need to keep their power by working with cause, and WE are always cause at this level. Thus the effect, the outcome will be more positive, more fluid, more flexible. Rant complete!
Thank you for joining the conversation! It is not a rant, but a very bright intelligent parent sharing her experience and thoughts. The more we discuss this topic the better it is for everyone! I think one of our biggest challenges is that we are not communicating enough.
Thanks for coming to the table to share!
I think all of these points are well made. As a teacher for the last 13 years I have had several students with significant allergies. The involved parents who took the time to educate me on their child’s allergies at the beginning of the year helped me make more informed decisions when planning “celebratory” events and helped keep it on the forefront of my mind, so that all students can be included.
What I’ve struggled with most, is that multiple times a year treats show up without my prior knowledge- birthday treats, the guest presenter has candy, grandma walks child in with doughnuts for the whole class, etc. I can’t just not celebrate the birthday or not acknowledge grandma’s generosity, but yet it again nearly always excludes my students with allergies.
The BEST solution I’ve found is that I’ve asked the child’s family to send in some approved candies, cookies, etc that I stash away for those moments. I even have had coconut milk ice cream cups in my freezer at the ready. That way the child and I both have the peace of mind that we have a plan B in case the need arrives. I’d encourage you to put together some of those snacks/treats to give to your child’s teacher at the beginning of the year when you do sit down with them to discuss your concerns about their allergies. It has made a world of difference for me and my students.
I can not say enough how we appreciate teachers like you! Thank You!
Would you give me permission to translate your text in French since I live in a French speaking community?
Of course, please do!! Use it as needed, modify it to fit your needs. My hope is to be supportive our food allergy community–world wide!
What a powerful post! Beautifully written. I don’t know how anyone could read these and not be moved to understanding at some level and a desire to do better. Thanks so very much! Off to share,
Shirley
Thank you Shirley, please do share! The more we have these discussions and find new ways of explaining our needs the better. Hopefully, others will share their tools with us too.
Oh my! Super powerful!! Had me in tears!! My oldest is peanut allergic and I’ve always been lucky to have such understanding teachers for her! And her classmates are pretty awesome about it all too!! They take the time to check their lunches before they open packaging & if they’re unsure they question! I will definitely be sharing this though as a reminder! Thank you!!
Dawn, you just made me smile to no end tonight! How lovely is it that your children’s classmates and teachers pause to check their lunches out of compassion for your children? That is such a big statement. Thank you for sharing. I hope the school year is GREAT!
You hit it out of the park, Caroline! No one spells it out like you do!
Thanks Dave! Sometimes you just have to let it flow
How did I miss this until now? Such a powerful letter and sums up so eloquently what I could not. I’m sharing this and printing a copy for our new teacher at the START of school.
It is just like me missing the fab recipes about dairy and nutfree caramel sauce!? Just wrong right?
I read this article today, realizing it was written over a year ago. Tears streaming down my fave as I relate to your heartache. Three days ago my son’s teacher handed out birthday cupcakes to everyone in his class…except my son. He had a bag of chips out of his snack box. Not quite the same as a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting, my son’s favorite. After a few emails, I think the situation is resolved until today my son told me he is the after snack table wiper. Did his teacher not hear a thing that was discussed in his 504 meeting or the personal meeting the two of us had? I’m feeling just like my son did, ignored and unimportant. Thankfully, as an adult, I will brush myself off and continue to advocate for my son. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy for a 7 year old. Thank you for this letter, I will continue this fight for inclusion.